dealing with death

[mypprincess]

My mom passed away this Tuesday. I'm at my mom's place with my siblings

[Rivka P]

I'm sorry to hear that.
May I suggest reading The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning By Lamm, Maurice
and/or
Death and Bereavement by Rabbi Abner Weiss, Ph.D.
and/or
Halochos of Aveilus by Rabbi Shaul Wagschal.

[achot]

Baruch Dayan Haemet- hamakom Yinachem Etchem Betoch Shear Avlei Tzion VeYerushalayim.
May your Mother be a maylitz tov for you and your family and may you only know good news from hereon in.
Please take care of yourself.

[mypprincess]

My mother died unexpectedly. Her bowls were impacted. She vomited and aspirated. By the time she was hospitalized on Monday, she was already in a coma. She had 2 consecutive heart attacks. I did not allow a blood transfusion and anything beyond a c-pap machine.
My father died a slow, painful death. He almost died several times before he was aggressively saved. It was very painful to see him die this way. I will never forget that visit a few weeks before his death. His shoulders drooped. His eyes rolled to the back. His face grimaced. His body was blown to horrible proportions from so much water retention. I sat for hours wiping the water that leaked from his pores. I cried. A lot. I stared at that sorry sight and asked myself if it was really those shoulders that I used to sit on as a small child.
I could not let this happen to my mother. I did not want her to suffer. When I arrived to the hospital she was already in a coma and the blood pressure was 50/30, pulse 40, and the medications were almost at maximum levels. The saline solution was set to the maximum rate. The effort was futile. The doctor came to ask about a blood transfusion and without blinking I refused. My siblings don't know much so they accepted my opinion. Then my brother in law arrived. I told him what I did and he was upset. I told him it is his call but he should think if he wants to make her suffer. He signed for the blood. I approached him and gave him my cellphone and begged him to call a dayan to make him feel more comfortable. he called. The dayan paskened to my favor.
I ran back to the room. The nurse arrived with the blood. She was ready to attach it to the IV. I told her NO. NO. Request retracted. I asked the doctor to leave all the life saving machines and medications, but please, no drastic measures. She died less than an hour later. It was Tuesday.
At first I felt happy of my decision. After all, I saved her lots of pain. But now guilt is gnawing. I killed her. I refused the transfusion. She could have been saved.
My kids are sad. Even more because purim is almost here.
"Why did bubby have to die now?" They have tons of questions. They ask me if I loved her. They know I had a difficult childhood.
"Do you miss her?" they ask.

[medic09]

princess,

I'm so very sorry to hear about this tremendous loss for you and your family. May Hashem provide you with real, full comfort in its due time. Hamakom yinachem etchem b'toch shear avalei tzion v'yerushalayim.

I know this was horribly hard for you. I'll bite my tongue, and not say all I might if you were my family or part of my k'hillah. I do feel I must respond to one thing you said here (please forgive me). I have no doubt that you did NOT kill your mother. The halacha does not, generally speaking, see withholding treatment in such circumstances as killing the patient. I am quite confident that any rav or posek to whom you present the details of the situation will agree with that assessment. That's all I will say on that, unless asked to elaborate more.

The g'mara tells us of the death of Rebi, Rabbi Yehuda Hanasi, the editor of the Mishnah. His students were praying fervently keeping him alive. His maidservant, seeing how he was suffering in his prolonged dying process, interrupted their prayers briefly by creating a distraction. At that, Rebi died. All the later hachamim understand this g'mara to speak approvingly of the servant's action. She recognized that Rebi was clearly dying, and needed to be allowed to do so. The poskim write, therefore, that we need to have this perspective, too. It is, admittedly, a difficult subjective judgement; but one that we must make. Your concern and love for your mother helped you to see this, even if you didn't exactly have the sources in halacha in mind (or maybe you did). What's more, you had the backing of a hacham. You couldn't possibly have acted more conscientiously.

Sometimes 'letting someone die' is wrong - when they can clearly be saved and will recover well. The narrative of Rebi's death teaches us that often, letting someone die is the greatest hesed of the moment, and in accord with Hashem's will.

I pray that Hashem will give you and all your family comfort and solace.

Will you be doing some learning in her memory, and to benefit her n'shamah?

[mypprincess]

Thank you medic09 for your comforting words. They brought tears to my eyes.

[achot]

MYP, You have Shloshim this week, How are you doing?
I will be at the Kotel this week , and will say Tehillim in her memory (Iloy Neshamot) - if you want to send to me her Jewish name and name of her father I will add that, otherwise I am sure Hashem will know of whom I am praying for.